Commissioner Ruling 004

Posted on February 24, 2011 by



There is nothing good about Cam Newton, hence there is no reason to like him (reasoning and evidence below).


Cam Newton has come under repeated fire about his quality of character.  First, while enrolled as a student at the University of Florida, Newton was accused of stealing a laptop and then destroying the laptop when questioned about the matter.  Then came reports of him cheating on multiple exams, in which he tried to put his own name on another student’s paper.  Then of course there were the confirmed accusations that Cam Newton’s father shopped the student to schools in a pay-for-play scheme.  Most recently, Cam Newton was quoted as saying “I see myself not only as a football player, but an entertainer and icon.”


Now that hes making more money than he probably did in college, I think that we may get to see even more mug-shots of this class act.

When scouts are checking Newton out in Indianapolis at the NFL Scouting Combine, he will most certainly stack up in strength and speed, but his character shortcomings will most certainly become apparent.  Newton has incredible strength, blazing speed, and an uncanny ability to make everyone dislike him.  The only person to alienate themselves faster than Newton was Roger Clemens when he threw his wife under the Human Growth Hormone bus. I honestly fear that Newton might be drafted by the Arizona Cardinals and I might have to watch in horror as he gives head coach Ken Whisenhunt his I didn’t know defense; “It’s not my fault I threw an interception, nobody told me the defensive back was going to be there.”  Or worse yet, the Cardinals might draft him and be stuck with “I believe that since I have past collegiate success, I should be the starter despite having no professional experience.  Furthermore I want you to ignore my repeated interceptions.”  Wait, Matt Leinart already played that card, and let’s be honest Cam Newton is probably not capable of complex sentence structure like that.  Cam Newton is a terrible person and there’s no doubt about it.  At least we can pray that he gives us more hilariously stupid quotes like the one below before he’s stripped of his Heisman Trophy, and becomes a back up tight-end somewhere.

“I don’t want nobody to feel sorry for me, because throughout this year didn’t nobody feel sorry for Auburn.” – Cam Newton